Retrosexual (Matt's Latest Musical Journey)

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Matt Barton's picture

BardRetrosexualHi, guys. I've been working on a new song for the past couple of weeks and thought I'd upload it here for your enjoyment. I plan to make a fun video to go with it, but would like to see what you think of the tune first. I'm particularly interested in what parts you find the funniest.
Download Retrosexual.mp3.

Thanks, and happy listening! Lyrics below.

(Press Play On Tape...Loading...Ready...Run).

You're just a young cub
Never saw the breakfast club
Well you better buckle up
In my DeLorean
I am your historian
And we're going back to the 80s

Now I ain't bragging kid
So don't put me down
But I'm the one they call
When there's a dragon in town
I know you think you're bad
and you're ready for slayin
But I was level gainin
When you were potty trainin' kid

Now that you're strapped in
to your rear-facing car seat
Let's talk of when you had to work to be 'leet

For me it all began with the apple ii
you could program in BASIC but the memory blew
not even Miyagi couldn't teach it kung fu

So I was codin' in assembly and doing lots of readin
developin mad skills while you were breast feedin'

Now before you start to blather
that these machines don't matter
and modern games are better
well you're still a bed wetter

so remember what your mama said
Keep your mouth shut, kid, when a grownup is talking

I know you think you're so cute in that Atari t-shirt
and I'd hate to see you get your feelings hurt
but have you ever played Yar or Combat or Pong?
or looked for Reese's while the A*Team was on?

You call yourself hardcore cuz every game is a shooter
I'm more afraid of the grownup Punky Brewster
in battlefield 3 you may be like a tsunami
but in a real game of skill you'd get beaten by your mommy

Trash 80, Apple II, Commodore 64, why buy just a videogame?
I'm a retrosexual
Ultima and Wizardry, don't you wish you could've been me? One SID chip, two mocking boards
I'm a retrosexual


Justin Lassiter (not verified)
Your Talents

Dear Mr. Matt:

First off, let me say that I enjoy watching your Matt Chats and listening to your podcasts. I think you are doing a remarkable job considering your lack of training and access to resources. I'd even say that your amateur stuff is better in the sense of being informed and interesting than many that are professionally produced.

So please keep that in mind and do not be too offended by what I have to say about this.

Matt, my friend, you are not talented when it comes to music. I said as much about your Dungeon Master song back in the day, that it was painfully embarrassing to watch. This new song just confirms it. I can tell you put a lot of energy and effort into this, but sad to see it is wasted on this. I had to stop listening to it 30 seconds after it started, and that was after it nearly blew my speakers.

Please stick to making the podcasts and Matt Chat videos we like so much.



Matt Barton
Matt Barton's picture
Joined: 01/16/2006
Thanks, Justin. That's a very

Thanks, Justin. That's a very polite and sincere response. Even if it wasn't exactly what I wanted to see, not getting any comments is ten times more frustrating.

I do like to experiment occasionally with different sorts of projects. I like doing Matt Chats and Podcasts, but it is nice to dabble in other stuff. Of course, the danger in that is you never know whether people will love it, hate it, or just pay it no mind.

In any case, thanks again, and sorry that you didn't care for it.

Erez (not verified)
What he said

Dear Matt,

Your Matt Chats interview and podcast (especially the last fiery one! #2) are at the top of my lists on things I listen/watch regularly.
Desktop and Dungeons is one of the best books I have read this year.

But please...for the LUV OF GOD...<>>

Now, for a bit more constructive criticism:

1) The pseudo-Starcon music in the background was very distracting for hearing the rap - it should be
the other way around (words should be audible with the pseudo-Starcon music mere background).

2) The chorus, which should be the centre of that piece is just plain terrible, something there just doesn't work,
maybe because there are too many rhymes in the main song, and little to none in the chorus.

Hopefully you won't be offended by this, but sometimes - tough luv is needed.

Matt Barton
Matt Barton's picture
Joined: 01/16/2006
I know, this song is a piece

I know, this song is a piece of crap. It sounded great to me, so that shows how tone deaf I am. Anyway, I had taken this down, but Bill seemed disappointed, so here it is again. Blame him if you lose your lunch. :)

Rowdy Rob's Laptop (not verified)
Tough Crowd here!

(away on vacation)

After reading the comments first before listening to the song, I was expecting the most abysmal crap imaginable! It's actually best that my expectations were lowered, because it turns out the song is much better than I expected!

Some of the vocals were hard to make out due to the distortion, which is compounded on the setup I'm using this week. Actually, more than "some," but until I hear the song on my normal setup, I don't know how much is due to the original mix. But I did laugh at the "animated" vocals, even if I couldn't understand some of it. It wasn't the lyrics so much as the rap voice.... I thought it was funny and well-delivered!

I liked the "videogamey" backing track, although again the setup I'm using probably didn't do it justice. It worked for me, having a nice, thumping beat mixed in with the 8-bit sound FX.

I dunno.... I suppose it's not for everyone's tastes, but I thought it was pretty good! Perhaps adjust the mix a bit (I dunno), and maybe it's a bit long (4 minutes is a bit long for a "joke" song, I think).

Matt Barton
Matt Barton's picture
Joined: 01/16/2006
Thanks, Rob. Yeah, I'd never

Thanks, Rob. Yeah, I'd never expect ANY song, no matter WHO wrote and performed it, to be a hit with everyone. But I must admit, I'm surprised that more people aren't giving this a thumb's up. I mean, it's got pretty much authentic 8-bit sounds, some fun samples like Way of the Exploding Fist, and the lyrics are printed above in case you don't understand them in the song. Granted, it's not commercial quality, but what would anyone expect?

Rowdy Rob's Laptop (not verified)
Different Strokes???

Hey, I'm supposed to be on vacation, but I had to chime in and say I enjoyed it! Music is so subjective, but I was surprised at some of the other comments. Even on a system that barely sounds better than a speaker phone, I feel like I must have heard a different song than some of the other commenters.

Creative use of 8-bit(?) samples, well-delivered vocals, amusing premise and lyrics.... I legitimately enjoyed it, and again, am surprised at the negative reaction of some of the others. I'm not saying the other commenters are WRONG, because you either like something or you don't, but this was hardly the crapfest I was expecting.

Matt Barton
Matt Barton's picture
Joined: 01/16/2006
Here's a version with

Here's a version with re-adjusted levels. Maybe it will hit the spot... :)

gilgamesh (not verified)
The song I song, will tell the tale...

Maybe you're more a man of the lute, but I think the song is quite good actually. You could make it more catchy with another remix. The pseudo female voice should be louder and more piercing, and the stanzas more resounding to convey the feeling of a big, bad and old hacker and slayer.

Josean (not verified)
I wanted to say they I love

I wanted to say they I love your youtube channel, I'm a young gamer, and also new to PC gaming, so there's no nostalgic factor when I say that old stuff (and of course indie) is better. I change to PC after the PS2, because nothing on console interested me. It's good to see your channel and learn a bit of history about the good old games. There's so much games I want to play like Fallout, Baldurs Gate, System Shock 2 etc..., so keep doing that good work.

As for the song, I don't know if I'm a pussy but I like it lol, I mean, this song is supposed to be funny and stupid, not a serious talk about retrogaming, but oh well, I'm a young man so I better let the ground ups talk.

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