Skip School, Go Directly to WoW, Collect $100,000

Matt Barton's picture

 Actual in-game screenshotActual in-game screenshotYou thought it was bad that American prisoners get to watch TV in prison. If you go to jail in China, though, you're forced to play WOW. Notice I said "forced." 300 inmates working 12-hour shifts...Any prisoners who fall out of their chairs are intimidated by threats of having to go outside and "experience the day."

You know what I hate about WOW? If you kill nagas, you end up with tons and tons of useless fish oil. How clever of Blizzard. They must have known that Fish Oil May Have Positive Effects on Mood and Alcohol Craving. Of course, you're skeptical. Will this really help you kick the halibut? Help you stay in school? Don't you wish you could slap me with a salmon right about now? Oh, that's right, you can only afford Ramen...

Speaking of Ramen, are you really stupid enough to be in college? Talk to Peter Thiel, co-founder of PayPal. He's giving people $100,000 to skip college. Oh, it's not without a hitch. You have to start a company. Yeah, I'm sure these companies are going to do just great. You lack the discipline to shag hundreds of babes, quaff gallons of booze standing on your head, and snore and text your way through a few years in an auditorium, but you somehow have what it takes to run a business? Can you name even one successful dropout? I mean, besides Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, Mark Zuckerberg...uhm.

Well, let's not forget that if you stay in school, Microsoft will give you a free 360 with Windows 7. See, I knew there was a good reason to stay in school! Good ol' Bill.

Are you getting bored with remakes yet? How about a new Maniac Mansion? This time the copyright pirates are a German cabal calling themselves "Edison Interactive." They're not only ripping off the original--they're ripping off Day of the Tentacle, whose assets they're stealing for the remake. Now that's just diabolical. Oh, and to "evade" the lawyers they're giving it away for free, along with a bag of suspicious dried herbs from Chuck the Plant and a cute little hamster. I wonder what we're supposed to do with the hamster???

Instead of playing an evil remake, you could (yawn) read a detailed review of Hardcoregaming101.net Presents: The Guide to Classic Graphic Adventures. The conclusion seems to be to read the free chapters and get the Kindle version since the "dead tree." Just be aware that if you miss a detail early on, you can end up having to re-read the whole book.

Thanks to genocide by copyright pirates, leprechauns are now an endangered species.Extinct? Thank a pirate.Speaking of dead trees, do you still get a newspaper? If you bring one on a flight to India, be sure to give it to your pilot after you're done with it. Now that's the kind of courtesy that makes a difference at 40,000 feet.

You know, one morning you're going to log in to Pirate Bay for your daily dose of Top 100 and find it gone. Why? Because you voted for these guys. But hey, it's all to protect "small businesses and artists," "local journalists," "unicorns," and other fantasy creatures. Oh, that's right, the guys shut down and exploited by the same mega-corporations this bill will make even more profitable. Good thing Eric Schmidt is there to fight the good fight, since this bill would make it all too easy to silence critics by "branding them copyright pirates." Shut up, Schmidt. We gotta think about the leprechauns here.

Speaking of Google, check out this dude who built a 1906 Oldsmobile Model B Runabout using Google Books. Whatever. If you look closely, you can see he's got flags on it with 50 stars. If he'd really done his homework, he'd have known there were only 45 stars back then. Google Books is worthless!

One last thing before we go: what will gaming be like 50 years from now? Well, what better place to turn than industry shill IGN, whose trotted out a list of the very things the big guys have been hyping. Who knew??? Yup, it's all augmented reality, artificial intelligence, input devices, digital delivery, graphics, and, er, YOU.

Meh...If you want to really see what gaming will look like in 50 years, you gotta call the Doctor. Sweeeeeeeeet.

Oh, man. That's so neat! You really gotta keep an eye on Game Set Watch for cool stuff like this.

Comments

Rowdy Rob
Rowdy Rob's picture
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Joined: 09/04/2006
Serving "WoW" time.
Matt Barton wrote:

 Actual in-game screenshotActual in-game screenshotYou thought it was bad that American prisoners get to watch TV in prison. If you go to jail in China, though, you're forced to play WOW. Notice I said "forced." 300 inmates working 12-hour shifts...Any prisoners who fall out of their chairs are intimidated by threats of having to go outside and "experience the day."

Forced to play WoW, eh? That's a fate worse than.... respawn!

Can't afford your WoW habit? Is your spouse nagging you to get off the computer? Just get caught robbing a liquor store and you're set! Are the Cheetos and soda issued by the prison over there?

clok1966
Offline
Joined: 01/21/2009
opps matt beat me to this

opps matt beat me to this on.. I posted about in general ,my bad :)

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