The Ballad of The Dungeon Master

Matt Barton's picture

Hi, guys. Well. I don't know what to say. Here's The Ballad of the Dungeon Master. I'll post the lyrics below.

Download the mp3 here.


Yeah, that's right
(You are correct)
I am Matt Barton.
I am here to be your personal Dungeon Master, ladies.
So sit back in those chairs, fasten those safety belts
Sort those dice
And try not to impale me with that rather excellent drinking horn
(Ow, ow ow)
Now let's get this party started

Yeah, I was just chillin in the gray lord’s dungeon
admiring his firestaff, sippin on a sloe gin
rubies and sapphires, staff of his was so bling
feelin pretty good with the mana I’m smokin’

Then that raven you know the one
that dingbat the master calls Fulcrum
Flappin’, yappin’, and scratchin’ like a big sore
man I wish that bird would quoth nevermore
(Never more)

I finally went to see what the master was up to
He was there crying, didn’t know what I’s supposed to do
He said he found the power gem and he’s going for it solo
I said no way but for this he didn’t want a bro
(I totally got Zeppo-ed)

Next thing I know I’m out like memento
Under an apple tree, chillin’ with my best ho
That wench was fine with hair like a rabbit
And I’m the only one that she let stab it

Eight hours later I was sleeping like a baby
Then a nightmare and man was it a tragedy
War and death on an Apple TV
Something was wrong and it wasn’t what was in the tea

My master said hey this ain’t no dream
He’d gone to get the gem and got himself creamed
Now I had to go there and face Chaos
Save us from destruction and premature hair loss
(Hey, that's a serious issues affecting millions of American males)

I said that’s nice but I don’t wanna die,
How’m I’m supposed to gank this guy?
I ain’t no wizard so I gotta ask why
Not like I can just pop him in a drive-by

Master says why you such a worrier?
You can have four heroes who died there earlier
Bring that rope, put his head in a noose
And by the way please call me Librasulus
(That's Libra-sulus)

So I’m a a sort of spirit, a guardian angel
Pullin’ all the strings of these four strangers
Gotta get the staff and bring back order
Kill chaos and then I gotta find some floss
Cause I been eating this food I found on the floor
And that chicken looks pretty ripe

Hey Chaos
I’ll be back for the corbum
I'm coming back for the corbum

And I truly hope you enjoyed our little experience together
I know I did
Hey, why don't you bring that candle over here?
Where are the key for these by the way?
Now, you can just put that down right now.
I'm not that kind of guy.


Rob Daviau
Rob Daviau's picture
Joined: 05/19/2006

What has been seen cannot be unseen, behold the MATT Dungeon Master shuffle! This was certainly unexpected! Hilarious and awesome lol. You have more balls then I do that is for sure............and you kind of scare me, in a good way. GAME ON!

Matt Barton
Matt Barton's picture
Joined: 01/16/2006
Heh, yeah, I've been planning

Heh, yeah, I've been planning something like this for a long time. I've always liked making funny songs and have always admired Weird Al, so figured what the heck. Still, I originally tried to write a serious ballad with acoustic guitar, but then gave that up when I saw how insanely easy it is to make music with Sony Acid. You're literally just "painting" on music and the software takes care of the tempo and such. For the rap, I was thinking of someone like Will Smith and Sugar Hill Gang, who I know are considered "old skool" but it obviously fits the subject matter.

I don't like much rap but this old stuff just does it for me somehow:

Back then it was just fun, and I love the humor and zaniness of it.

Mark Vergeer
Mark Vergeer's picture
Joined: 01/16/2006
Better than Yankovik! LOVE THIS!

Matt, regardless of 'premature hairloss' I just love this!


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