So what did folks think of the story and the characters? Are you interested at all in learning what happens to Justin and Hardy after this startling revelation? Mind you, I don't mind some worthy criticism, but I'd like to know if anyone's interested in seeing more of my fiction here at AA!
Matt, it's way past my bedtime, but I took the time to read your short story (or first chapter?). Here are my thoughts, both praise and criticism. The criticisms might be harsh, so I hope you have a thick skin.
The good:
The two main characters had intriguing and well-defined personalities. I especially enjoyed the banter and interplay between them. The character work was strong in this story.
The story itself was very intriguing, with a great level of imagination describing the "jump." The layering of mysteries was very good, and really kept my interest. What is a "jumpman?" Why is Justin doing this? How is Hardy surviving all this? And there were several other levels of intrigue going on at once, but to mention them might spoil the fun for those who haven't taken the time to read the story yet.
Needless to say, the character personalities and the strong, mysterious story kept me very intrigued and interested, keeping me glued to the monitor until the end. I really want to emphasize the intrigue; it was definitely the strongest suit of the story, with mystery piling on mystery. Each "reveal" lead to a new Pandora's Box of mysteries. "Jumpman" stands on its own very well as a short story, but your comments above imply that there might be a bigger story at hand. If so, I hope you keep the "layering of mysteries" angle for the rest of the story. You do that very well!
The criticisms (brace yourself):
The similes! There are WAY too many similes in your prose. I'm not opposed to similes at all, but you overused them to the extent that it was a noticable distraction. That is by far my main criticism. DavyK mentioned this also, but I noticed the same thing independently before reading his comments. Perhaps you were going for a "hard-boiled" nior style?
I would have also liked to see more descriptive prose in the story. The story is very light on setting the scene or describing places and objects. For example, the ship "Gehjouth" is described as sleek and shiny. and it had a hatch. That's it. How big was it? Was it as big as a bus, a yacht, a cruise ship, or what? What was its shape? Did it have wings, did it have massive thrusters? What color was it?
Also, where did the beginning of the story take place? A space station, I know, but where? Was it orbiting a planet, floating near a distant nebula, in the cold blackness between galaxies, or what?
I'm not saying you should strive for Tolkien-level scenery-setting, but the vagueness of the descriptions makes it hard to spark the readers' imagination and get immersed in the setting. The exception to your lack of descriptions was of the "jumps" themselves, with the surreal effects (and possible spiritual implications) excellently and enjoyably described. It is here that your story hits "the next level," where your imagination really shines and your readers are really taken for a journey!
If you traded out most (not necessarily ALL) of your similes for some scene-setting descriptions, I think you would have a stronger (and certainly marketable!) story. The basic storyline itself was definitely at least as intriguing as some of the best sci-fi short stories I've read (and I used to read the Omni and Asimov's short story mags, so I've read a lot of short stories).
Overall, the STORY was very imaginative and intriguing, with the mysteries and strong characters overcoming the criticisms I described above. Let me emphasize that the STORY was great, up there (and even surpassing) some of the short stories I've read by some of the big names (like Orson Scott Card and... heck, my mind's running on empty now, need sleep). Sorry for the criticisms, but those were my opinions.
So what did folks think of the story and the characters? Are you interested at all in learning what happens to Justin and Hardy after this startling revelation? Mind you, I don't mind some worthy criticism, but I'd like to know if anyone's interested in seeing more of my fiction here at AA!
Matt, it's way past my bedtime, but I took the time to read your short story (or first chapter?). Here are my thoughts, both praise and criticism. The criticisms might be harsh, so I hope you have a thick skin.
The good:
The two main characters had intriguing and well-defined personalities. I especially enjoyed the banter and interplay between them. The character work was strong in this story.
The story itself was very intriguing, with a great level of imagination describing the "jump." The layering of mysteries was very good, and really kept my interest. What is a "jumpman?" Why is Justin doing this? How is Hardy surviving all this? And there were several other levels of intrigue going on at once, but to mention them might spoil the fun for those who haven't taken the time to read the story yet.
Needless to say, the character personalities and the strong, mysterious story kept me very intrigued and interested, keeping me glued to the monitor until the end. I really want to emphasize the intrigue; it was definitely the strongest suit of the story, with mystery piling on mystery. Each "reveal" lead to a new Pandora's Box of mysteries. "Jumpman" stands on its own very well as a short story, but your comments above imply that there might be a bigger story at hand. If so, I hope you keep the "layering of mysteries" angle for the rest of the story. You do that very well!
The criticisms (brace yourself):
The similes! There are WAY too many similes in your prose. I'm not opposed to similes at all, but you overused them to the extent that it was a noticable distraction. That is by far my main criticism. DavyK mentioned this also, but I noticed the same thing independently before reading his comments. Perhaps you were going for a "hard-boiled" nior style?
I would have also liked to see more descriptive prose in the story. The story is very light on setting the scene or describing places and objects. For example, the ship "Gehjouth" is described as sleek and shiny. and it had a hatch. That's it. How big was it? Was it as big as a bus, a yacht, a cruise ship, or what? What was its shape? Did it have wings, did it have massive thrusters? What color was it?
Also, where did the beginning of the story take place? A space station, I know, but where? Was it orbiting a planet, floating near a distant nebula, in the cold blackness between galaxies, or what?
I'm not saying you should strive for Tolkien-level scenery-setting, but the vagueness of the descriptions makes it hard to spark the readers' imagination and get immersed in the setting. The exception to your lack of descriptions was of the "jumps" themselves, with the surreal effects (and possible spiritual implications) excellently and enjoyably described. It is here that your story hits "the next level," where your imagination really shines and your readers are really taken for a journey!
If you traded out most (not necessarily ALL) of your similes for some scene-setting descriptions, I think you would have a stronger (and certainly marketable!) story. The basic storyline itself was definitely at least as intriguing as some of the best sci-fi short stories I've read (and I used to read the Omni and Asimov's short story mags, so I've read a lot of short stories).
Overall, the STORY was very imaginative and intriguing, with the mysteries and strong characters overcoming the criticisms I described above. Let me emphasize that the STORY was great, up there (and even surpassing) some of the short stories I've read by some of the big names (like Orson Scott Card and... heck, my mind's running on empty now, need sleep). Sorry for the criticisms, but those were my opinions.
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